Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Privacy Unleashed

Privacy Unleashed
I remember when I first found out I was pregnant. I was so elated! Could this miracle be happening? How lucky am I to get pregnant when yes it was an accident, and girls all around me were having issues getting pregnant.
Then it really hit, I told the father of the baby and since then he has resented me since and really put me on a tail spin to thinking the worst. But the reality is we are not dating and we are not married, which makes me think of how alone this process really is for me.
In order to better understand my situation, I am finally coming out of silence. Here are top questions/comments I have been getting, avoiding and why:
  • Is Brian excited?
Several people have told me the journey for a Father to Be is very different than what I go through. For a good 10 months, I get to feel the baby in my belly every second of the day. I have been thinking about it nonstop from nausea and body pains to the joys I feel. I don't know what Brian feels. We barely talk. I think there is a lot of fear in both of us and we both end up hurting each other in the process so long story short I do not know.
  • Don't you think Brian is a "*****" (sub in your word for a bad person) for not being there for you?
No but I am a nice person- too nice maybe some people have said? How he reacts or how he treats me, that's his own prerogative. Sometimes I wish he would have more compassion for me as a pregnant single mom to be. But this is something very hard to explain to any male so I don't expect him to understand.

So no I do not think Brian is a bad person. But I do believe when people are scared, angry and feel little control over a situation have the potential to say mean and do hurtful things. Evil things. Bat shit crazy things.
  • How will you do this?
How will I do what? How is my situation any different than yours? I have gotten lots of "I am sorry" or "You will need help". Thanks, like I needed that! Judgement from society as a single mom is harsh. Or maybe its all in my head and I am projecting my failure in society. I do sometimes think because I don't wear a ring on my finger, I have indented on my forehead a Scarlett letter A. As if being a single mom is a crime. I forever have felt like crawling into a cave because I am so embarrassed to do this alone. I wonder if this how divorced people feel like after a failed relationship...

I wish sometimes people could be proud of me. No offense to the following people- but I am not one of those girls that got pregnant just so my boyfriend could propose to me. I also did not get pregnant just so someone would feel bad for me and marry me. So no I did not do it on purpose to keep Brian or to force anyone into marriage or child support. I might sound naive, but I believe things happen for a reason and this baby is no accident. It is my fate to have this baby. Joy and love to come! Do I want to get married? Of course, but not out of convenience, i want to marry someone who is deeply and madly in love with me and my baby, even on our bad days.
  • Whats the gender of the baby?
Its my body. Its my baby. For some reason some people get bent out of shape that I want this to be a surprise. I am waiting 10 months, at least give me this surprise and incentive to push. Just because you want to know for your purchasing ease, I don't care. :) Yes this is the bitchy pregnant side of me.

Plus those who know me, I don't believe in gender classification by color. Who said boys can't wear pink and girls can't wear blue? If I have a girl, I expect her to try football. If I have a boy, I expect him to try ballet :)
  • Do you have any names yet for the baby?
I did until the word leaked out and my brother said "thats a ridiculous name". Thanks! So I am not revealing any names until the baby is born. No one ever tells you your name is ugly, that would be hurtful...
  • Legal, custody, money questions, etc.
Oh boy, this is a tough one. I have gotten in so many heated conversations around this. Will Brian pay for child support? Will Brian help out? Will Brian share custody? Honestly I do not know. All I know is I love my baby and willing to do this on my own if needed.
  • How is your nursery going?
What nursery? I am a single "mom to be" in a tiny apartment. I rather save money for the baby's college fund.
  • Is Brian's family going to help out? 
Honestly I don't know Brian's family well enough to comfortably depend on them. I can only imagine the speculation and the confusion they must all feel when Brian and I barely talk. Imagine you are divorced, how much can your in-laws love you and your baby especially in a "he said, she said" type of assumed communication?
  • Why aren't you more public? Why don't you use Facebook anymore?
I though about taking belly pictures. I thought about why I don't use Facebook much anymore. I don't know with the imaginary Scarlett A on my forehead I just have become a very private person. Plus this is only the beginning- I have turned into a very protective mama bird lately. Have you heard of all the creepy child predators on Facebook? Our child will remain pretty private. Plus if you are truly my friend you will get to see the baby in person or you can always email for a picture. Sometimes I feel like Beyonce and how hidden her child Blue Ivy is. hehe
In summary being pregnant has been very bitter sweet. Yes its been lonely. Yes its been something a lot of people cannot relate to or worse, judge you for it. But worst of all, a lot of it I wonder how much is projected from my own insecurities and doubts...
My good friend Braden told me once when women start setting boundaries, people start automatically perceiving you as a bitch. I was once an open book. I still am. But this quote sums it up for me...

"I try to keep my boundaries high, expectations low and my big and loving heart open"

In my time of inward reclusion, I admit I have alienated many people in the process but I don't really care. Lately, I just do not have the energy to please everyone (which is tough because I am a people pleaser). The true lesson learned is to love myself the most and the friends that stick around? Those are your true friends.

Today, the joy I live for is the baby kicking me in my belly. Its such an amazing feeling. And feeling it hiccup. Its not born yet but I feel like it already has so much character and personality.

On a final note, yes this is my child. Its also the worlds. All I can do is be the best human and mom I can be and give the world this amazing gift for all to share. No longer a Texas Cali baby but a worldly baby at that!

Until next time.