Friday, November 26, 2010

Dear diary...

Dear diary...

I mean blog! Wow I have missed you...

If you ask me was I sad or scared when I moved to Texas, I would say no. I had no room for fear or any emotion but to stay focused to find a job. I was in survival mode literally sleeping on the ground, eating fast food and frantically job searching at Starbucks (I had no internet in the apt I subleased when I moved here). Then I found a job. And a boyfriend. I was on cloud 9. And then it all came crashing down. I would wake up at night with anxiety attacks 3 months into living in Dallas. What was I doing here? Who is this boyfriend of mine? Friends who I became friends with here started crackling. Not cracking, but just started to lose its luster and momentum. I started to miss my friends and family back home.

Now that I have just celebrated my 6 month anniversary here in Texas, I look back at my transition in my life- the tears, the joy, the beginning of my new life here. Looking back, I was on shaky ground. I hung on to every new friend, new compliment, new adventure, and to new love like white on rice. I was vulnerable. I was easily impressed upon. Within the 3-4 months being here, I fell in love. He told me he wanted to marry me. He told me, yes ladies, "I love you" first. He told his family about me and was ready to move in. And then he disappeared. Houdini act. Cold feet? PTSD (he was in the war for 4 yrs in infantry)? I will never know. One day I found myself on the floor in my apartment crying as I have never have before.

Not only did I go through a broken heart in such a short amount of time, I delved into new friendships that didn't fulfill my integrity and value system. Looking back it's all a blur. Who was I? But I don't regret a thing.

When people say moving to a new city is hard and it takes about a year to feel normal, they are not kidding. My first few months here was emotionally draining. But I was strong, I was lonely, I was open. Today I am so happy and very lucky. In only 6 months, I am starting to make quality friendships, I joined a church (I figured if you can't beat them, join them- after all I am in the bible belt), I am me again. I am finally making my apartment my home with used mid-century furniture. I am 34 and I finally got the Ikea kick out!

Maybe people are probably wondering what happened to my boyfriend Ryan. I truly believe people come in your life to learn a lesson. He is an amazing man and he was an amazing boyfriend. I do not regret a thing except I really was not in the place or right piece of mind to accept him fully. I am as much to blame for us not working out. Though it was short, him and I shared a very special bond. I have not heard from him but a short text response on my birthday.

Today, I am happily living my new chapter of my life here in Dallas, TX. Doing my usual thing- dancing a storm, daily meditations, food and street fair explorations, making connections and appreciating serendipitous moments.

For more info on my church:

Sending everyone light and love.